I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
not ubering you a puppy
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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