If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
