my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
