The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I could fuck to npr.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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