new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
