Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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