I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
