Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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