Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
