put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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