If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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