i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize