i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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