I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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