my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
