I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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