there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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