If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
