i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
