i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
