It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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