Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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