i think my tv is drunk
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
