I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
