Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
