Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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