Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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