My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
