i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize