He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
