either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
