JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
