Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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