How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
