I wish my penis had an off switch
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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