You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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