headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
