so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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