the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
