At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
