make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
