I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize