In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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