sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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