I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
