he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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