My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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