dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
