I will die if light touches me.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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