I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
