why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
