I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
