today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
