Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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