you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
