he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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