My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
