I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
