Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i wish my penis had a tongue
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
